There is an old Zen story about two monks walking together through the countryside. At a river, they meet a young woman who cannot cross the strong current alone. Although the monks followed strict rules about physical contact with women, the older monk lifts her onto his shoulders, carries her across and sets her down on the other side. The two monks walk on in silence for many hours. Finally, the younger monk cannot hold back any longer and says, "How could you carry that woman?" The older monk smiles and replies, "I put her down at the river. Why are you still carrying her?"
Many of us carry painful moments in exactly this way. Someone hurt us, betrayed us or treated us unfairly, perhaps months or even years ago. The moment itself is long over, but we keep carrying it in our mind, replaying the conversation, feeling the anger and telling the story again and again. The heavy weight is no longer the event itself. It is the holding on.
In this article, you will learn what forgiveness really is and, just as importantly, what it is not. You will discover why forgiving is so hard, what meditation and the ancient Indian traditions teach about letting go, and gentle steps to forgive someone who hurt you. You will also find a practical forgiveness exercise, learn when to rebuild a relationship and when to protect yourself, how to forgive yourself, a simple forgiveness meditation, and answers to the most common questions.
What Forgiveness Really Is
Forgiveness can begin with a conscious intention to release resentment, bitterness and the wish for revenge towards someone who has hurt you. It is not a single moment, but a process that unfolds over time. Little by little, the painful event loses its power over your thoughts, your emotions and your life, and you become free to move forward.
The psychologist Fred Luskin, who led the Stanford Forgiveness Project for many years, often explains that forgiveness is for you, not for the other person. The person who hurt you may never apologise, may never change and may not even know that you have forgiven them. Forgiveness is not something you owe the other person. It is something that can free you from continuing to carry the pain, so that the past no longer controls your present.
Forgiveness also does not mean that what happened was acceptable. You can forgive and still clearly say, "This was wrong." In fact, real forgiveness often begins with being honest about how much something hurt. You cannot let go of something you have not first fully acknowledged.
Forgiveness Through the Eyes of Meditation
Meditation offers another way to understand forgiveness. When we observe the mind, we begin to see how often we recreate an old hurt through memory, thought and emotion. The event may have happened once, but in our mind we may live through it hundreds of times. Awareness does not ask us to deny what happened. It helps us notice what we are still carrying and gradually loosen our grip on it.
Seen this way, forgiveness is not only something we do to another person. It is the gradual release of what we continue to carry inside ourselves. Forgiveness does not change the past. It changes our relationship with the past. We cannot undo what happened, but through awareness we can begin to release the anger, resistance and painful stories that keep the experience alive inside us.
What Forgiveness Is Not
Many people resist forgiveness because they misunderstand it. Forgiveness is not forgetting. You may always remember what happened, but the memory no longer burns in the same way. Forgiveness is also not excusing or approving harmful behaviour, and it does not mean pretending that you were not hurt.
Most importantly, forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. The researcher Robert Enright, who has studied forgiveness at the University of Wisconsin since the 1980s and is often called the father of forgiveness research, has always made this distinction very clear. Forgiveness happens inside you, and you can do it alone. Reconciliation means rebuilding a relationship, and it needs two people who are both willing and safe. You can fully forgive someone and still decide never to see them again.
Forgiveness is also not something that anyone can demand from you. If you feel pressured by family, friends or a community to forgive quickly, it is completely okay to take your time. Forced forgiveness is not real forgiveness. Forgiveness often unfolds gradually, and it is okay if you are not ready yet.
Why Forgiveness Is So Hard
If forgiveness brings so much freedom, why is it so difficult? One reason is that anger can feel protective. As long as we are angry, we feel that we are standing up for ourselves and making sure the hurt was not ignored. Letting go of anger can feel like letting the other person win, or like saying that we did not matter.
Another reason is that our mind loves to repeat stories, especially painful ones. Each time we replay the hurt, we feel it again in the body, and the story becomes deeper and more familiar. Over time, the hurt can even become part of our identity, so that forgiving feels like losing a piece of who we are. Sometimes there is also fear underneath: fear of being hurt again, fear of looking weak, or fear that if we forgive, we will have to let the person back into our life.
Understanding these reasons does not make them disappear, but it helps us to be patient and kind with ourselves. Forgiveness is not something we can force with our will. It is something we allow, slowly, as the heart becomes ready.
What Happens When We Hold On
Holding on to resentment can quietly affect our whole life. When we keep replaying a painful event, the body can respond with tension, a racing heart and stress, as if the hurt were happening again. Researchers have found that people who hold on to strong grudges tend to experience more stress, anxiety and low mood, while people who practise forgiveness often report feeling calmer, more hopeful and more at peace.
In one of his early projects, Fred Luskin worked with a small group of women from Northern Ireland who had lost family members to the violence there. After learning and practising forgiveness, they reported feeling less hurt and more hope for the future. Since then, many studies have explored the links between forgiveness and wellbeing. Not every health benefit is fully proven yet, but the overall picture is clear enough: carrying resentment is heavy, and setting it down can bring real relief to body, mind and relationships.
Forgiveness in the Ancient Indian Traditions
Long before modern psychology, the spiritual traditions of India placed forgiveness at the heart of a good life. In Sanskrit, forgiveness is called kshama. In the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna lists kshama among the divine qualities of a person who walks a spiritual path, together with qualities such as courage, purity and freedom from hatred. In another passage, he describes the person who is dear to him as someone who holds no hatred towards any being, who is friendly and compassionate, and who is forgiving.
Patanjali's Yoga Sutras offer especially wise advice for difficult relationships. They teach that the mind becomes peaceful when we cultivate friendliness towards the happy, compassion towards those who suffer, joy for those who do good, and upeksha towards those who act harmfully. Upeksha is often translated as equanimity or calm distance. Yoga does not ask us to hold hatred in the heart, nor does it require us to remain close to someone whose behaviour is harmful. This is a beautiful bridge between forgiveness and healthy boundaries.
The Jain tradition even has a special time dedicated to forgiveness. At the end of the festival of Paryushana, people greet friends, family and even strangers with the words "Michhami Dukkadam", meaning "may all the wrong I have done be forgiven", so that no one carries old hurts into the new year.
Forgiveness and Boundaries
One of the most important truths about forgiveness is that it can go hand in hand with strong boundaries. Forgiveness releases the poison of resentment from your own heart. Boundaries protect you from being hurt again. You need both, and one does not cancel the other.
If someone keeps hurting you, forgiveness does not mean giving them unlimited chances. You can say, "I forgive you, and I am also not going to allow this to happen again." You can limit contact, change the way you spend time together, or end the relationship completely. This is not a lack of forgiveness. It is wisdom and self-respect.
In situations of abuse, violence or manipulation, safety always comes first. Forgiveness in these cases, if it happens at all, is something that takes place inside you, often much later and with professional support. It should never be used as a reason to stay in a harmful situation or to reconnect with someone who is not safe.
How to Forgive Someone: Gentle Steps
Researchers such as Robert Enright and Everett Worthington have developed step-by-step forgiveness programmes that have helped many people. Worthington's well-known REACH model, for example, includes recalling the hurt, building empathy, offering forgiveness as a gift, committing to it and holding on to it when doubts return. The steps below are inspired by these approaches and by the wisdom of meditation.
Feel the Hurt Honestly
Forgiveness does not begin by skipping over the pain. Allow yourself to feel what happened, whether it is anger, sadness, disappointment or betrayal. You might write about it in a journal, talk with a trusted friend, or simply sit quietly and notice where the feeling lives in your body. When the hurt is fully acknowledged, it becomes much easier to begin letting it go.
Notice the Story You Keep Telling
Fred Luskin speaks about the grievance story, the version of events we tell again and again about what happened to us. The facts of what happened may be completely real, but when the same story becomes the main way we understand ourselves, the hurt can continue to shape the present. Healing does not require changing the facts. It means allowing your identity to become larger than what happened to you, so that you are not only someone who was hurt, but also someone who is healing and choosing their own path.
Understand Without Excusing
Try to see the other person as a whole human being, with their own fears, wounds and limitations. Often, people who hurt others are acting from their own pain, ignorance or old patterns. This does not make their behaviour right, and you do not need to agree with it. Understanding another person's pain may help us soften, but compassion never requires us to abandon discernment.
Choose to Forgive
At some point, forgiveness becomes a conscious choice. You might decide quietly in your heart, or say the words out loud on your own: "I choose to release you, and I choose to release myself from this pain." This decision does not mean that all the feelings disappear immediately. It means you are setting a new direction.
Hold On When Old Feelings Return
Old feelings will probably return, especially when something reminds you of what happened. This does not mean your forgiveness has failed. It simply means healing happens in waves. Each time the hurt comes back, gently remind yourself of your decision, take a few slow breaths and let the feeling pass. If you would like to learn how to stay calm and present when strong emotions arise, you can read Grounding Meditation: How to Stay Calm and Respond Instead of React.
A Forgiveness Exercise: The Three Letters
Writing is one of the most powerful ways to move through forgiveness, because it gives the feelings in your heart a safe place to go. This exercise is called the three letters, and you can do it in one evening or spread it over several days. Choose a quiet time when you will not be disturbed, and have paper and a pen ready, because writing by hand often reaches deeper feelings than typing. These letters are only for you, so you will not send them to anyone.
Before you begin, choose one person and one specific hurt to work with. If you are new to this practice, start with a smaller hurt rather than the deepest wound of your life. If the hurt is connected to trauma or abuse, please do this exercise only with the support of a therapist.
Letter One: Everything You Feel
Write a letter to the person who hurt you and tell them everything you feel. Describe what happened, how it affected you and what you have been carrying since then. Do not hold back, do not try to be fair or polite, and do not worry about spelling or grammar. Anger, sadness, disappointment and even hatred are all welcome on the page. Many people are surprised by how much comes out once they give themselves permission to be completely honest.
Letter Two: The Apology You Never Received
Now take a fresh sheet of paper and write a letter to yourself, as if it came from the person who hurt you. In this letter, they acknowledge exactly what they did, they understand how much it hurt you, and they say they are truly sorry, without any excuses. This letter does not need to be realistic, and it does not mean that the person would ever really say these words. Its purpose is to give words to the acknowledgement and responsibility you may have needed but never received. Read it slowly when you have finished, and allow whatever feelings arise, including tears.
Letter Three: Your Letter of Release
Finally, write a third letter to the person, in which you consciously release them and yourself. You might write about what this experience has taught you, what you are choosing to let go of and how you want to live from now on. You can include words such as "I no longer want to carry this" or "I release you, and I free myself." It is okay if you can only forgive a part of what happened for now. Write only what feels true, because honest small steps are worth more than big words you do not yet feel.
A Simple Ritual to Let Go
When you have finished all three letters, sit quietly for a few minutes and take some slow breaths. Then you can create a small ritual to mark the moment of letting go. Some people tear the first letter into small pieces, some burn it safely where this is permitted, and others put untreated paper into the compost or simply throw it away with a clear intention. Many people like to keep the third letter and read it again whenever the old feelings return. Whatever you choose, take a moment afterwards to notice how your body feels, and be gentle with yourself for the rest of the day.
Healing a Relationship After Hurt
Sometimes, both people want to repair the relationship. In this case, forgiveness can become part of the foundation for rebuilding trust. Healing usually begins with an honest conversation. Speak about your own experience, using sentences that begin with "I" rather than "you", such as "I felt hurt and alone when this happened" instead of "You always ignore me." This makes it much easier for the other person to listen without becoming defensive.
A sincere apology can make a big difference. A real apology names what happened, takes responsibility without excuses, shows understanding of the pain caused and includes a commitment to change. Trust, however, is rebuilt through actions over time, not only through words. It is normal for this process to take weeks or months, and patience from both sides is essential.
Many old hurts in our relationships also have deeper roots in our early family experiences. If you notice that certain patterns keep repeating, it can help to look at their origins, and you can learn more in Healing the Mother Wound and Breaking the Cycle of Trauma. Sometimes a couples therapist or mediator can also offer valuable support when both people are willing.
Forgiving Yourself
For many people, the hardest person to forgive is themselves. Perhaps you hurt someone you love, made a decision you regret, or did not act when you wish you had. Self-forgiveness is not about pretending it did not matter. It is about taking honest responsibility and then allowing yourself to move forward.
It can help to understand the difference between guilt and shame. Healthy guilt says, "I did something wrong," and it can guide us to make amends and to grow. Shame says, "I am bad," and it keeps us stuck in self-punishment that helps no one. Self-forgiveness turns guilt into learning and lets shame slowly dissolve.
A few gentle steps can support you. Acknowledge clearly what you did and how it affected others. Where possible and appropriate, make amends, perhaps with an honest apology or by repairing what you can. Ask yourself what you have learned and how you want to act in the future. Then, consciously decide to release yourself from endless self-blame. You can also adapt the three letters exercise above by writing them to yourself. If you find it difficult to be kind to yourself, the gentle practice in Self-Love Meditation can help.
Asking for Forgiveness
Forgiveness is not only something we give. It is also something we ask for. Asking for forgiveness takes humility and courage, because we cannot control how the other person will respond. They may forgive us quickly, they may need time, or they may not be able to forgive at all.
When you ask for forgiveness, keep it simple and sincere. Name what you did, acknowledge the pain it caused, and do not add excuses or explanations that shift the responsibility. Then let go of the outcome. The Jain words "Michhami Dukkadam" remind us that asking for forgiveness, even for hurts we may not be aware of, is itself a healing practice that softens the heart.
A Simple Forgiveness Meditation
This forgiveness meditation takes about ten to fifteen minutes. It moves through three stages: asking for forgiveness, forgiving yourself and forgiving others. Do not force anything. If you do not feel ready for one stage, simply notice that with kindness and move on.
Sit comfortably with your back upright and close your eyes. Take a few slow, deep breaths, and with each exhale let your shoulders soften and your body settle. Bring your attention to the centre of your chest, the area of the heart, and breathe gently in and out of this space for a few moments.
For the first stage, bring to mind someone you may have hurt, knowingly or unknowingly. Picture them as clearly as you can and silently say, "If I have hurt you, through my words, actions or choices, knowingly or unknowingly, I ask for your forgiveness." Stay with this for a few breaths and notice what you feel.
For the second stage, turn towards yourself. Think of something you regret or still blame yourself for. Silently say, "For the ways I have hurt myself or failed myself, through fear, confusion or pain, I offer myself forgiveness. I am learning, and I am willing to let this go." Breathe softly and allow whatever feelings arise to be there.
For the third stage, bring to mind someone who has hurt you. If the hurt is very deep, begin with a smaller one. Picture this person and silently say, "For the ways you have hurt me, through your words, your actions or your fear, I offer you forgiveness, as much as I am ready to. I release you, and I release myself." If you only feel resistance, that is completely okay. Simply notice it and say, "May I one day be free of this pain."
To finish, rest your hands on your heart for a few breaths and feel the warmth there. Then slowly open your eyes. Many people find it helpful to repeat this meditation regularly, because forgiveness often deepens a little more each time.
When to Seek Support
Some hurts are too deep to heal alone. If you have experienced trauma, abuse or a betrayal that affects your sleep, work or daily life, please consider speaking with a therapist or counsellor. Professional support can help you process what happened safely and at your own pace. Forgiveness may become part of that healing, but it never has to be rushed.
Setting Down What You Have Been Carrying
Like the young monk in the story, many of us are still carrying moments that ended long ago. Forgiveness is the gentle act of setting them down. It does not change the past, and it does not mean that what happened was right. But it changes the future, because it allows your heart to open again to peace, trust and love.
If you would like support on your journey of forgiveness and healing, you are warmly invited to join one of Punnu Wasu's meditation events. For more individual guidance, Punnu also offers private holistic healing and energy work sessions, both in person and online.
Frequently Asked Questions About Forgiveness
What does forgiveness really mean?
Forgiveness can begin with a conscious intention to release resentment, bitterness and the wish for revenge towards someone who has hurt you. It is a process that gradually frees you from the power of the past. It does not change what happened, but it changes your relationship with it.
How do I forgive someone who hurt me deeply?
Start by honestly acknowledging your hurt and allowing yourself to feel it. Notice the story you keep telling about what happened, try to understand the other person without excusing them, and then consciously choose to forgive. Old feelings may return, so be patient and remind yourself of your decision each time. For very deep hurts, support from a therapist can be very helpful.
Does forgiveness mean forgetting?
No. You may always remember what happened, and that is natural. Forgiveness means the memory slowly loses its emotional power over you, so that it no longer controls your thoughts, feelings and choices.
Can you forgive someone without talking to them?
Yes. Forgiveness happens inside you, so you do not need to speak with the person, and they do not even need to know. Many people forgive through reflection, meditation or writing exercises such as the three letters, especially when contact is not possible or not safe.
Is forgiveness the same as reconciliation?
No. Forgiveness happens inside you, and you can do it alone. Reconciliation means rebuilding a relationship, and it needs both people to be willing and safe. You can forgive someone completely and still choose not to have them in your life.
How do you forgive someone who is not sorry?
Remember that forgiveness is mainly for your own peace, so your healing does not have to depend on receiving an apology. You do not have to forgive anyone, and forgiveness should never be forced. But many people find that letting go, even when the other person is not sorry, brings them great relief and freedom.
Can I forgive and still set boundaries?
Yes, and often you should. Forgiveness releases resentment from your heart, while boundaries protect you from being hurt again. You can forgive someone and still limit contact, change the relationship or end it completely.
Why can't I forgive someone?
Forgiveness can feel impossible when the hurt is still fresh, when the harm is ongoing, or when part of you believes that letting go would mean the hurt did not matter. It is also normal to need more time for deep wounds. Instead of forcing yourself, start by acknowledging your feelings honestly, and if you feel stuck for a long time, consider support from a therapist.
What is a good forgiveness exercise?
One powerful exercise is the three letters. First, you write a letter expressing everything you feel about the hurt. Second, you write the apology you wish you had received, as if it came from the other person. Third, you write a letter of release. None of the letters are sent, and many people end with a small ritual such as tearing up the first letter.
How do I forgive myself?
Acknowledge honestly what you did and how it affected others, make amends where possible, and reflect on what you have learned. Then consciously choose to release yourself from endless self-blame. Remember that healthy guilt helps you grow, while shame only keeps you stuck.
How long does it take to forgive someone?
There is no fixed timeline. Some hurts soften relatively quickly, while deeper wounds may take much longer. Forgiveness often happens in layers, and each step forward counts.
Can meditation help with forgiveness?
Yes. Meditation helps you notice how often the mind replays an old hurt, and it creates enough calm and space to loosen your grip on it. Practices such as the forgiveness meditation in this article can gently support the heart in letting go over time.
What does yoga say about forgiveness?
In Sanskrit, forgiveness is called kshama, and the Bhagavad Gita describes it as a divine quality. Patanjali's Yoga Sutras teach friendliness, compassion and joy towards others, and calm distance, or upeksha, towards those who act harmfully. This reminds us that we can keep our hearts free of hatred while still protecting ourselves.
What does Michhami Dukkadam mean?
Michhami Dukkadam is a phrase from the Jain tradition, spoken especially at the end of the festival of Paryushana. It means "may all the wrong I have done be forgiven". People say it to friends, family and even strangers as a heartfelt way of asking for forgiveness and letting go of old hurts.